This weekend I went to purchase my first ever bikini. My lack of bikini ownership up to this point was not a tragic oversight--as you may have gathered, I'm not the sit-around-on-the-beach-and-look-cute kind of person. Beaches (sand, sunburn, etc.) stress me out.

But then I read Nora Ephron's I Feel Bad About My Neck: "If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini and don't take it off until you're 34." Whatever Nora says, I do.

There are two tenants of tall bikini shopping:
-You are tall. You deserve at least two square feet of fabric.
-The straps should be at least the width of two fingers. Your fingers. Not elf fingers.

Stringy bikinis and lingerie are designed for smaller frames. They just are. Tall women look best when showing a comparable amount of skin to a petite woman in a stringy bikini. Which means more coverage. Think female beach volleyball players---they look great because they're mostly naked, but distinctly not naked. There's an issue of mass here that doesn't really apply to models.

Which is why my shopping expedition was a trainwreck: The goal is to tease, not be naked. I was naked. Wearing unflattering pieces of string. In fluorescent lighting. Which is like a recipe for a Food Court expedition. Which is exactly what happened.

Entrepreneurs, take note: There's a huge market out there for really adorable, substantial bikinis.